Our mother cyber-stalked us last year. We’d made it clear we didn’t want her in our life, and she chose to ignore that by following us around the internet. It triggered us, and we closed down one public space after another to get away from her. These included my pagan accounts on Tumblr and Wordpress where I wrote under the name Urban-Pooka. For this reason as well as some others, I was very leery about blogging openly again.
As time went on, however, some of my head-mates let it be known that they thought that writing about spirituality publicly had been beneficial in some ways. If nothing else, it had kept me thinking, and they wanted to try it too. We decided to blog as a multiple system this time, but decided to do it somewhat incognito because some of us are what you call “fictives.” Discussing various topics with people was okay, but we didn’t want to debate the reality of our existence. So, basically, at starcrossedserpents we described ourselves accurately but used codenames. We’d been debating whether or not to mention it here, especially after (at least) one of you followed that account, but hadn’t made a firm decision.
Today our statcounter from starcrossedserpents blew up with hits. I don’t know how it happened, and I don’t care how it happened, but an ex put two and two together and figured out who was behind the incognito account. Apparently they decided to spread the word, because the traffic to our incognito account stems from one of their locked journal entries. It seems they were warning people away from us, because some of the exit traffic led to Tumblr’s ignore page too.
I’m fine with that. In fact, I’m fine with people knowing why they are warning others away from me too. I’ve talked about this publicly once before on my old Urban-Pooka account, and I’m willing to say it here too.
This ex accused me of raping them via the internet. I did not rape them via the internet or otherwise. I spoke to them on the phone, but otherwise never met them. During an instant messager chat, I took what I later recognized as a “masterly” tone. I recognized this from not only being in a BDSM relationship with another completely separate individual, but from having been a professional teacher. I had talked to them with an authoritarian tone, which I later realized was inappropriate, and apologized. At the time I was told I was forgiven. Up until the time I broke up with them, the incident was never mentioned again. It wasn’t mentioned when we broke up.
I broke up with them because their behavior had become increasingly erratic again, one of the reasons I had previously cut off contact with them before. I admit, it was foolish of me to speak with them again, much less date them. Previously they had said they’d considered cutting out their own eyes as a way to make my own vision problems go away, but I was sure that was a turn of phrase. I no longer think it was. While we were dating, they accused me of forcing them to stay online so long they got some sort of bladder / kidney infection. They accused me of saying things I did not say. When I asked for e-mail I had sent them (and then accidentally deleted) to be forwarded back to me, they refused to do because my words were now theirs. I was in over my head, and I couldn’t handle it anymore. During the fallout of the break up, they decided to talk about my mental health diagnosis publicly on a forum our friends were known to frequent, and I had to have the posting removed.
The rape accusation came years later, and was made to a mutual friend. When he confronted me about it, I said I had spoken to them like a master would. He agreed that was rape and spread the accusation. It ran me off of the multiple community on Dreamwidth. I’ve left other places since because of it. No one wants to hang out where an ex and their friends are telling others you’re a rapist.
And that’s it. I’m done. I’m nearly forty fucking years old and I have my own mental health issues to deal with. I’m not going to deal with the bullshit high school games and mental health issues of an ex anymore. At the time, the ex was acting so erratically that I was having my other partners look over the transcripts of our conversations. I literally could not believe some of what I was seeing. I’m glad I did that now, because I have more than one set of eyes that knows what happened, and what happened wasn’t rape. I talked “too big for my britches,” realized I was being a dickbag, and apologized. I give up. I’ve long since deleted all of this bullshit, and want it just to leave me alone.
If you can’t associate with me after this, you know where the door is. Please use it.
What are you playing at, telling blatant lies where all your former victims can see? I’m not so thick as to believe it now, and I didn’t believe it then either.
You, Obi, were the one who was being ‘erratic’. You had your ex up all night, criticising him and verbally berating him and making him feel utter crap. You overstepped sexual boundaries. You tried to push him into doing all manner of things. You were controlling and manipulative. I love how you’ve changed your description of your actions towards him from ‘accidental mastery’ to ‘it never happened’. And then you’ve the nerve to go on (in your other post) about how ‘your story has never changed’. No, everyone who’s had the misfortune of knowing you has noticed your stories keep changing.
It is massively creepy for you to accuse your ex of ‘they were crazy so who cares what they say’. That is the most disgusting victim-blaming rubbish I’ve ever heard, even from you.
Even if there was no intent to assault with your ‘masterly tone’, as you’re now calling it, your behaviour still had an effect on them and it is your responsibility to deal with the consequences. You’re nearly forty, you say? Be an adult and fucking realise that your actions have consequences. You can’t sit there and claim ‘oh they have mental health issues, my behaviour has no consequences whatever, I will just claim that I’m utterly blameless’. Rubbish, you can’t do that. You need to recognise you’ve caused harm. At the moment you’re not admitting it; you’re laying the blame at your victims’ feet and are trying to deflect responsibility.
It’s obvious you’ve left a trail - if you’d done something just the once it’d have been bad but you’ve done it over and over again, with everyone you knew telling exactly the same stories of verbal abuse and disrespect of emotional and sexual boundaries. Aine had no connection with your former partners until near the end of your relationship as far as I know. But when she came out with what had happened, it matched every single fucking thing I knew about you.
I never dated you but you did treat me terribly too, shouting at me for choosing friends you didn’t like. I listened to you the first few times (which was a mistake) but after you’d done it for the third or fourth time I’d had enough of you trying to be so fucking controlling. You were such a controlling and abusive ‘friend’ and I’m glad to be well shot of you. That doesn’t mean your behaviour hasn’t affected the way I approach friendship - for ages I was incredibly wary because of the way you treated me, and the way you treated others. And it seems you’ve not changed according to what Aine has said about her experiences being in a relationship with you. Still trying to control people, gaslight them and tell them whom they can or cannot associate with. This is not a good way to treat your partners or friends. This is abuse, Obi.
I know you say you won’t respond to any more posts criticising you for your horrible behaviour to dozens of people. I also see you’ve shut down the account that’s now associated with your horrible treatment of Aine and your previous ex. But I don’t really care, it’s about time I’ve told you off.
If you (or your system-mates, or your attack-dog partners) want to try and attack me for anything, you can fuck right off. You needn’t worry about me stopping associating with you, that was done five years ago.
afjsdaflkdaskfjdakslfjds offensive bullshit on my other dash
do not want EVER
the tumblr h8 button works wonderfully, but I still sometimes see the OPs for a few seconds, and I’m a speed reader, so. D: